Life & Times

Kroger, Cakes, and Creepers

I don’t know anything about the stock market.

In fact, much like magic, I’m not even completely sure it exists.

voldemort confusion

And investing? To me a good investment is buying an Otter Box for my iphone and a new spring wardrobe.

But I want to learn more about it. I have a little money, and I’d really like to turn that into a lot of money. So I’ve been researching it lately, but numbers make my brain short circuit so it’s slow going.

Anyway, this makes my strange encounter with Antonio Banderas the other night all the more befuddling.

Ok, it wasn’t really Antonio Banderas, but Dude sure looked like him. And talked like him. We’ll call him Antonio for the remainder of our time together.


I was just standing in the bakery at Kroger having lustful thoughts about some cakes when this guy from Brazil shows up next to me and starts going on and on about how to pick up women.

Insert mild panic attack here: Glen-Close-Jaw_drop

My hair was all crazy because I hadn’t even brushed it all day, I had no makeup on and thanks to Antonio, I was all too aware of the fact that I’d also neglected deodorant. And let’s just go ahead and say I was dressed for Walmart, y’all.

Besides the fact that I have a complete mental breakdown when strangers approach me in public. Thanks to my Mom and Oprah I have a firm belief that all strangers are either after my life, or my lady bits.

So Antonio is droning on about how to treat a Lady right, and the whole time I’m desperately looking for an escape. To cover my discomfort I have a stupid grin plastered across my face and I keep laughing the entire time he’s speaking. I slowly edge away along the cake island, but homeboy keeps coming closer and closer with his little cart of cheeses and fine wine.

“I have a girlfriend!” Antonio shouts. “She’s 24. We’ve been together for 3 years.”


“But, say I wanted to date you…”

I search my purse for the pepper spray my Dad gave me when I moved to college.

“I would ask for your number, and then I would ask for your address. The next day I send you flowers and wish for you to have a nice day. And then!” he claps “I’m in! You will do anything for me. Won’t you? It’s so easy.”

Knope whaaat

Despite the fact that this is true…What the HELL is going on here?!
Am I being hit on? Is this friendly banter? Will this be the last time I’m seen alive???

“Do you invest in stocks?” He asks suddenly, completely changing tactics on me.

“Ummm, uhhh, I mean….no.”

“You should! I tell you this: take all of your money and put it in Big Bank. Trust me.”

It’s a Ponzi scheme! I’m being Ponzied!

“Seriously. In 5 years you will make sooooooo much money. You make a million dollars. I just like helping people. That’s all.”

He then goes on to tell me how he made his money and how young American men are shitless and playing the stock market is so easy a penguin could do it.

“Just follow Warren Buffet.”

I’m like, The guy with the Parrot-Heads and Paradise crap? Really?
warren and jimmy buffet

The more Antonio talked to me about investment and how to plan for a safe financial future, the more I started to wonder…Is this a sign? Is this some messenger from the universe finally throwing me a bone? Antonio Banderas, thy name is Fate!

“Feminism is shit!”


Definitely not.

If you’d really like some help understanding the stock market, and how to open a brokerage account, you should go here: Investopedia: Picking Your First Broker 

It really helped me out a whole lot. If I can understand it, a penguin can understand it.

Thanks for reading! =)


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