So one of two Walmarts in my home town of Midland, Tx has been abruptly shut down for 6 months for supposed “plumbing repairs”, and now everyone is loosing their ish.

By now, if you live on the internet as I do, you’ve probably already heard about this; 5 Walmart stores across the South being shut down on the same day for the same reasons and only giving their employees 5 hours notice.

It’s weird. I give you that.

My day job is with a big time corporation, and anytime they have to so much as turn the electricity off for an hour on a Sunday night they give us weeks of notice and someone to talk to if it’s going to cause you too much turmoil. So, the idea that a place like Walmart would only give their employees 5 hours notice before kicking them out for six months is a little fishy.

Sorry, as the say, but that dog don’t hunt.

But now people have taken the weirdness waaaaay further with their conspiracy theories.

Popular Theories Behind the Walmart Closings and Why They’re Stupid

1. Jade Helm 15 Takeover

What’s Jade Helm 15? Some kind of video game?
No. Apparently it’s a military mission to put us all under martial law. Under this theory, soldiers (or robots or clones) are using the emptied Walmarts as training grounds, which will then be used as prison camps (or food stores for invading Chinese armies?!) once Martial Law goes into effect.

My rebuttal: Whyyy would the Unites States of America be put under martial law? There are no uprisings, no threats of invasion (be honest) and no reason for the military to take over. I know many of us are still terrified of having a black president, but it’s been nearly 8 years and we’re all still here. Move on.

Also, there are much better places to train than empty Walmarts. West Texas is a vast, underpopulated region with plenty of room for mock takeovers that no one would ever notice. Plus there’s a lot of ghost towns, which would be more realistic. See also: the entire city of Detroit.

2. Contamination from Radiation

Another theory is that these Walmarts contained food imported from Fukishima – a region which recently had a nuclear meltdown. This food would be contaminated from radiation poisoning (i.e. not safe to eat) and would need to be disposed of and then the entire store scrubbed down by the dudes from E.T.

My rebuttal: If anyone has radioactive food, it’s Odessa.

3. It’s More than Just “Plumbing Problems”

We all know the horrors of Walmart bathrooms; but I’ve never heard of plumbing issues so bad that everything had to shut down for half of a year. In this less ridiculous theory, Walmart is actually undergoing intensive repairs and removal of hazardous materials like asbestos and Monster Energy Drinks. They’re keeping it hush-hush to avoid lawsuits.

My rebuttal: They removed the asbestos from my old Junior High in three months (roughly the size of a Super Walmart back in the day). If they are removing asbestos and junk, wouldn’t it be better to come forward with it now instead of lie about it? And I’ve seen plenty of stores reorganize and stay in business during MAJOR renovations and construction. (People of Midland, we all remember the Great H.E.B. Remodel, do we not?)

Also, according to multiple, albeit highly questionable new sites, contractors and city officials in Midland and the other cities have attempted to give Walmart the right permits for this kind of plumbing work, but they’ve been turned away at every corner.

So what are they really up to??

My guess is they’re hiding nukes underneath the Walmarts.

Thanks for reading! =)